


it’s like i’m trapped in spaceland and i’m not coming back

by quirkyusername



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Depersonalization, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pretentious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:05:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirkyusername/pseuds/quirkyusername
Summary: I wrote this because I have never related to a character as much so as Matteo. I added in my personal experiences with dissociation and depersonalization, as well as depression, since I can totally see Matteo having all three. This was written to help me deal with it all, and it’s not very good and sounds pretentious, but that’s just how I write :). I’m loving Druck, and I’m so excited to see where it will lead.Any comments are welcome, criticisms even! Help me get better!





	it’s like i’m trapped in spaceland and i’m not coming back

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I have never related to a character as much so as Matteo. I added in my personal experiences with dissociation and depersonalization, as well as depression, since I can totally see Matteo having all three. This was written to help me deal with it all, and it’s not very good and sounds pretentious, but that’s just how I write :). I’m loving Druck, and I’m so excited to see where it will lead. 
> 
> Any comments are welcome, criticisms even! Help me get better!

Like almost all mornings, Matteo wakes up alone. 

Something recently changed in him, making his thoughts more sinister and dark than they usually were. 

Lately, he finds himself disappointed when he wakes up. 

It's not that he wants to die, and he never really ever wanted to die before. He just doesn't particularly wish to live, especially with how he's living now. 

Sometimes he gets so scared of who he's become that he feel like he can't breathe. And that scares him more. His breathing gets faster and shallower and his thoughts get darker and it's like he's in space and he lost his helmet. His thoughts get all jumbled and all he can think is _I'm going to fucking die, oh my god, oh my god, I can't breathe, I'm dying._

And Matteo does realize how dumb it is to state the fact that he can't breathe. Obviously he can't breathe, and he already knew that. But maybe in a way, he's trying to bring himself back into his body, to remind him that this is him and he should deal with this shit. Because sometimes, he finds himself floating further and further away from his body into the abyss of space, and it's like he's watching someone else choke on their own fears.

And he has so many fears, so many secrets  that he has never shared with anyone, not even Jonas. _Especially_ not Jonas. 

Secret 1: Matteo is beyond terrified of what others think of him. 

Jonas likely knows this, since he's been with Matteo for a while. He's seen Matteo transform himself to fit what others expect of him. When they were 15, Matteo told a new girl in school that he was an exchange student from Italy. He was trying to impress her because all his friends had girlfriends and he wanted one too. Or, he wanted to want one. He thought maybe she would date a cool foreign kid. 

As it turns out, she happened to have moved to this school from Italy. And this small lie turned into a huge pathetic attempt to keep this girl interested. Eventually, she moved away again. She gave Matteo her number, and he promised to keep in touch with her. 

He hasn't messaged her once. 

He told his friends that it was because he didn't want a long-term relationship, but honestly, he just wasn't in to her at all. And she could do so much better. Plus, he didn't want to have to keep up his lie. It was exhausting enough lying to himself everyday. 

He was fine just being with Jonas. Actually, Matteo would rather hang out with Jonas than a girl, no matter how beautiful she is. 

Which leads to secret 2: Matteo may be a bit gay. 

There was never a specific point in time that Matteo had that fact click in his head. He refused to think about his less-than-platonic feelings for Jonas until recently (when he destroyed his best friends' relationship). He supposes he always knew he was different in a way. And even if he wasn't a bit gay, he still feels like he would be different. He feels like he gives off this aura of awkward and ditzy, and that's all anyone can see from him. 

If he was to ever be found out as gay, he can't imagine it being any easier for him. 

Not that being gay is bad or anything, he doesn't mind gay people. It's just that, it's not okay for Matteo to be gay. Or even a bit gay. 

He's sure his friends would leave him. He's already so much to handle, with his mom being sick and his dad not even wanting to be in the same country as him, and his random sad episodes and his mental breakdowns he has. 

And, maybe... 

Secret 3: Matteo's head might not be completely alright. 

And it scares him so much to think about that. That's what tore his family apart, that's what took his mom away from him. 

But there are times when Matteo just can't find it in him to do anything. He can't get dressed or eat, he just lays in bed and thinks. It's what he's doing right now, and it's likely what he'll be doing until he has to go to school on Monday. 

And he smokes, of course. He almost forgot to mention it because it's just as natural as breathing to him. 

When he started smoking weed, he loved the burn that it gave his throat. Now that he's used to it, simply putting out the end of the joint on his skin works just as well.

He knows that it might be a problem, and maybe some would call it self harm, but he just needs to feel _something._ He needs to come back to his body, because lately he's been drifting off more and more.

Matteo is so afraid (and that's the thing, he's afraid every day of his life) that one day, he'll wake up and not recognize who he is. And he knows he said he wishes he was someone else, but there has to be a better way than this. 

So he sometimes finds himself staying awake at night, trying to block out his self-destruction in any way he can. 

Lately, he's been distracting himself with a boy, and sometimes he even forgets that he's a mentally ill gay boy with burn scars on his forearms. 

His name is David. 

Secret 4: Matteo has never in his life felt the same way that he feels about David. 

Not even Jonas made him feel like this. 

He loved Jonas, and the feelings are still fading. But he wasn't in love with Jonas. 

Not that Matteo's in love with David. It's just...

There's something deeper there. He can feel a connection that he didn't feel with his best friend. 

He wants to be in David's presence every day of his existence. 

He feels like he's closer to himself when he's near David. 

And he knows loving someone won't fix him, and it's something he has to deal with on his own terms. But maybe... maybe having someone to lay with him will help. Maybe if David holds him, he can keep Matteo from leaving himself. Maybe David can just shut his thoughts the hell up. 

Matteo is sick of maybe's, but he's going to hold on to these ones. 

 

Unlike most mornings, Matteo gets out of bed and he almost feels like he's really alive. 

And he's going to try to be okay with that.

His secrets, his fears, they're still there in the back of his mind. And there's a chance that they won't ever leave him. 

But right now, for this short moment, he can forget. And he can feel without having to mutilate himself. 

And it feels so fucking good.


End file.
